It hasnt been easy. But we knew it wouldn't be. Tell a lie the being mum part has been fucking easy. The birthing bit wasn't. I didnt have the om shanti experience I would have liked (but life never turns out the way you expect it too and there are definitely incredible lessons to be learnt there - non-attachment, surrender, trust, and on a deeper level my connection to my womb and how it works as an organ, exploring the sacral chakra energy and how this in turn effects my relationships and how I see myself and its larger significance as a powerhouse and the seat of all human life on this planet....more on that later ) no orgasms during birth unfortunately (DAMN IT), that would have been a nice way to finish off a 31 hour agonising slog to the finish line. Instead I was doped up on fake hormones and every painkilling drug I was allowed. As soon as I got to 10 centimetres I pushed him out in 10 minutes with no tearing or 'out. Labour really is labour.
All of that aside.......HA! Funny how the brain does that, physically, emotionally and mentally it was a pretty traumatic experience, not because anything went drastically wrong, but because of the pure nature of giving birth . You have 9 months to train for it, when it happens you realise that nothing could ever prepare you for that experience, then you have absolutely no time to recover or space for yourself to process all of those emotions and left over hormones!All of that aside, what a rediculous notion..... i shall rephrase.......
Despite a traumatic birth, despite a savage breakup...it was one of those ones that you knew died a death a long time ago but you kept dragging that corpse around when all it really did was act as a BIG FAT DEAD elephant in the room that both of us chose to ignore. EVEN THOUGH it meant sacrificing a little part of myself every time i tried to squeeze past it..never again... I have an incredible, amicable, beautiful little boy. From day dot he has been easy going, latched on well, breastfed until 9 months when I had to return to work, has never given me any real trouble.... we co-slept so I think that helped, I even took him inter-railing from England to Greece when things went tits up with his dad. He the was 5 months old then. I am just in awe of him on a daily basis. He has been so worth the agony, the heartache , the lonliness and isolation, the feelings of self doubt and unworthiness. He is all. I think it's important to point out here that none of this is projected onto him. I don't cling to my poor 16 month old child as a 'thing' to stop me feeling bad about myself. Quite the opposite, i rejoice in life and all it has to offer to show him that the world is a beautiful place because I chose to see it that way. And because it is. Baba and I are both very independent people who have a connection that is beyond measure and he has just started walking which opens up a whole new level of interactions we can have with each other, other people, and our environment. He is happy, and this is an achievement so I award myself daily by telling myself I am kick ass. Cuz I am. I also tell myself daily I am intelligent, fearsome, strong , beautiful, abundant. I am that I am. And I am currently falling in love with myself all over again. It feels good.
These are a few things I wrote post break up...not sure how I feel about them now but thought I'd post anyway...
I've been through this world 10 times before. The amens is yours to make.'
(I think the amens is mine to make too. I fully take responsibility for the state of that relationship and refuse to perpetuate the perpetrator/victim dichotomy. I am sorry for my part in that mess...but it is a nice 2 lines)
I started thinking about visual representations for our relationship and i felt a bit like a crystal ball being bandied about by a contact juggler.... so i came up with this
'I was happy to dance around your k stained fingertips
careful not to kick up the dust because i knew that it would hurt you
but my soul grew tired and my body became occupied
as my belly grew you recoiled,recoiled
as i tried to get to you you recoiled , recoiled
I recoiled you recoiled i recoiled you recoiled
so i sat. and held back.
i tried to help you by cutting you some slack
as you racked up another line
Id tell you that it'd all be fine,
you'd say next month would be the time ,
and i dont think that thats a crime ,
I told the little girl inside
that this time it would be different.
I didnt understand,
though you gave me clues,
that self flagellation has a selfish hue
and even though this may be true
i still refuse to believe there's a dick inside of you ( hhahahahahahahaha)
Must finish the poem laughing. I am pretty proud of that. I wrote it quite quickly in a car on the way back from cornwall. I like how I started the poem by thinking about what my relationship looked like visually as this now gives me an incredible amount of insight. Lessons learnt. Moving forward..growing...sharing...loving... myself.